An Open Letter to My First Partner

My Dear Ex,

You were my first love. You helped me discover and re-discover my heartbeat. You made me realize that I am lovable and I deserve to have someone that I can call mine.

But you also made me realize that love isn’t all beauty. It has so much pain, so much angst, so much ferocity that the very mirror I stand in front of now refuses to see me without my tears. Every teardrop of mine has your name on it. Every scream of mine has the pieces of our rose-tinted memories. You fell asleep as I sang for you. You said “This is the most comfortable I have ever felt” as we watched ‘Call me by your name’ together. It took me 2 years to realize that the movie is overhyped. I just loved it cause you said you loved it. Every prayer I pray to my demons has your face covered in glitter cause I could see the magic in you when you weren’t able to. Was it my fault that I could somehow envision our future?

Was it my fault that I could handle your tantrums better than the whole world? Was it my fault that I wanted to devote myself to you despite anything anyone said? Was it my fault that I recognized the depth of our connection and wanted to hang on to it? Then, why did you leave me? You left me in the dark of the night through a screen. It took me exactly 10 days to break down in tears cause I didn’t realize that you tore me apart and offered me abandonment. And it took 20 months to get over you.

I hate that phrase but I had to do it. All I was left with was pieces of your sweet words and our memories. Memories are funny. You don’t recognize how they are entering your mind but once you realize, you can never let them go. I told myself a million times that it takes time and it’s a process and it’s not the end of the world. But, once I change the sun, the moon and the stars, would my world look the same?

Yours Queerly

Anonymous