How to talk to your partner(s) about STI – A QueerLips Guide

Having a conversation about STI testing can be overwhelming—, stigma, fear, and misinformation often get in the way. But the truth is, it’s one of the most important steps in building trust, practicing safe sex, and caring for each other’s well-being and pleasure!. 

Talking about STIs is not about fear or shame. It’s about staying informed, reducing anxiety, and creating a healthy space where partner(s) can be honest. Whether your connection is casual, committed, new, or long-standing — everyone deserves to feel safe with clarity and care when it comes to intimacy. 

QueerLips is here to help you initiate break the conversation : 

Why is this important?

First of all, If you’re thinking about bringing this up — that’s already a sign of care so kudos to you for prioritizing your health and the health of those you connect with!

Regular STI testing is essential for early detection and treatment, preventing potential long-term health issues. Many STIs are asymptomatic, meaning they rarely show symptoms so, without regular testing, they can go unnoticed and unintentionally passed on.

What’s more, these conversations can actually ease any anxiety or worries you might have, leading to a more enjoyable overall experience. By building trust and being transparent with each other, you can focus on pleasure and deepen your connection, knowing that you and your partner(s) are committed to responsible and caring sexual health practices.

It is also important to note that talking about STIs isn’t just a “before sex” thing, it’s a during, after, and ongoing conversation. It helps you set clear boundaries, align expectations, and make informed decisions together.

Get your facts straight !

Before starting the conversation, arm yourself with knowledge. Make sure you know the basics – common STIs, their symptoms (or lack thereof), how they’re transmitted, what testing looks like, what prevention tools exist, and where to access treatment. 

Being informed helps you speak with confidence and clarity. It also makes it easier to respond to any concerns your partner(s) may have as there’s a lot of misinformation out there, particularly when it comes to LGBTQ+ sexual health.

For reliable, inclusive resources, Check out Safe Access’s Queer and Trans* Resource Center

How to begin the conversation

Start from a place of honesty and mutual care. Let your partner(s) know this is about shared responsibility and looking out for one another, without any judgement or pressure.

Leading by example can make the conversation easier. If you haven’t been tested recently, consider getting tested beforehand or express your willingness to do so with them. This shows you’re taking initiative and aren’t just placing the onus on them. 

You might be sharing your STI status, suggesting a joint testing plan, or or simply opening up the topic to see where you stand. All of these are valid starting points, but remember that trust is a road that goes both ways. It’s good to establish and be clear about why this matters to you. Then, open the floor for your partner(s). 

Timing also matters so avoid bringing it up in the heat of the moment or when one of you is stressed, tired, or distracted. Try to frame the conversation around your feelings and concerns rather than accusations. Reinforce that this is about shared health and well-being. 

You could initiate with something simple and direct, but gentle:

• “Hey, is it okay if we talk about a few things before we get intimate?”
• “When was the last time you were tested for STIs?”
• “I’d feel more comfortable if we both got tested. I’m due for a check-up myself, we can go together if you’d like?

It’s okay to name the discomfort and acknowledge that it might feel a little awkward.

You might say: “I know this might feel a little uncomfortable to talk about, but it’s really important to me.”

If they’re receptive then great! Discuss next steps. 

What if they’re unsure?

If they need more info or time to process, give them that space. You can always circle back to the conversation once they feel a bit more ready. 

If they’re being hesitant or seem a little defensive, try to hear them out and listen to their concerns.They might be nervous, embarrassed, scared, or uninformed. Reassure them that this isn’t about blame or accusation and reiterate your care for them and the mutual benefit of testing. 

If you want, you can offer to explore resources together or even accompany them to a clinic for testing or go for testing as a team. This can make the experience less intimidating and emphasize the “we’re in this together” aspect.

Ultimately, your partner(s) have the right to make their own health decisions. Just like you also have the right to make decisions about your own sexual health based on their choices.

What if they refuse or it doesn’t go well?

This is a difficult situation. If your partner(s) outright refuses testing, brushes off your concerns, or worse, tries to make you feel uncomfortable or ashamed for even bringing it up, you absolutely have the right to take a step back and reconsider what that means for you and your relationship. Even if it means a more serious conversation about boundaries, risks, and the future of your sexual intimacy.

Your safety and well-being should always be your priority and your health and peace of mind should never be negotiable.

A few things to remember

• Talking about STIs is about care, not judgement.
• Be clear about your needs, boundaries and what makes you feel safe and comfortable.
• It’s okay to pause intimacy if the conversation doesn’t feel right.
• This isn’t a one-time chat. Sexual health is an ongoing conversation.
• You’re allowed to stand firm about what’s best for you.This includes your decision about who you share intimacy with, and under what conditions.

While talking about STI testing requires a little courage, the benefits of open communication and shared responsibility for sexual health far outweigh any initial discomfort. The more we talk about it, the easier it becomes to reduce shame and stigma and build relationships that are rooted in trust and care.

Got more questions about STI testing, safe sex, or how to talk about it? Ask QueerLips !!