An Open Letter To The (p)loml

Dear p(ast)loml,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the hurt, confusion, anger and sadness I have caused. I’m starting with an apology, because I lack the words to put my love out to you. Today, over 3 months after the break-up, I found the strength to read the letters you gave me before we ever started dating. How blind I had been to just how loved I was? I know I’ve taken this love for granted before, and I’m sorry for that. I wish we had been better for each other, I wish we had made it to the porch you spoke so gently of, letter after letter.

Too late we realised we wanted different things in life, but we wanted them with each other, didn’t we? I texted you today, and then immediately deleted the chat, though you replied. I don’t have the courage to be a friend. How does one go back to being friends? I don’t want to be this stranger- I know your deepest fears, but not the day you leave the country. I’m too afraid to ask.

How did we get here? I remember being 18, 19, 20, in love with this beautiful, powerful woman who was so brilliant, sometimes it hurt to look at her. I remember her looking back at me with a ferocious kind of love, one that was overwhelming sometimes, and feeling so, so fulfilled. When did you eyes lose the light? When did my eyes stop reflecting the sun in yours?

I want you to know, I’m not angry about you leaving. I’m happy you get to leave, see the world in a better light, away from the cage you had to call home. I’m sad our time together has ended, but when I started writing this letter I was in a different headspace. A few weeks on, I’ve had several realisations. When we met, we were different people than when we broke up. I no longer recognise the person who dumped me in April. She’s altogether a new person, one I’m not so sure I want in my life, someone I make active efforts to keep up a relationship for. This woman, this new one, she is no longer the same person, and as such this relationship will no longer have the dynamic it used to– so why go to the lengths of acclimatising myself to the heartache of forging a new relationship with this person who I don’t know?

I don’t think we can be friends. I don’t think I like the person you have become. In hindsight, I’m glad the relationship ended when it did, otherwise in your words, we would have “kept on dragging dead weight.” Thank you for six (mostly) beautiful years. Goodbye to the old you, she’s the only one I will miss in the dead of the night, the one my pillow will sometimes see tears about. To the new you, I’m glad you showed up when you did. Thank you for not continuing this farce.

Best,

Ex-(p)loml.